got my tonsils out

25 june 2024 18:23

i got my tonsils out yesterday and i sort of feel free. the reason i had triggered tonsilitis was because i started smoking with yk who and now that i dont have this chronic tonsilitis anymore and i'm wont have to be constantly being reminded of him feels really good. its so freeing. plus 2-3 weeks of pain for no pain for the rest of my life lol. i know i was the one who completely stepped out of line and fucked whatever kind of friendship we could have had but i am trying not to beat myself up about it. i dont think i miss him much anymore but bpd is a bug and i guess i still do at the same time? ive deffinatly finally moved on lmao. ive been talking to ermm someone else more, and its honestly been fun. i like him a lot and he gets along with my family. its nice to have someone who isnt scared of meeting them since they are a huge part of my life. my dad and him get along well since theyre both into older cars and we play video games with my brother. im excited to heal from my surgery and get back to corvallis and hang out with him since he's also moving down there around the same time. same with my other friend!! yayay!! once i get out of my parents house summer will really begin and it will be so awesome i think. im so glad things have been looking up. i think i deserve this.

should talk to my therapist

23 may 2024 12:13

trigger warning for sa/rape, self harm + suicidal ideation :: the past few weeks i have been kind of blaming myself for everything that has happened over the past months. like maybe what happened with /him/ didnt actually happen that way and its just my brain forcing me to feel ways that would warrent me to push them away. i finally understand how that feels. to feel like you have sunk so deep into something you needed out. that was apart of why i left so abrubtly, and cancled the plans that I made. it was to perfect and he fucked it up and now im facing the consequences. i genuinly dont know what i would have done if i was pregnant lmao. i cant tell my parents about what happened because it happened in their own home. my dad would probably hate himself for how badly i was hurt in his own home, he felt so bad about what happened to me at school i dont know what he would do if he knew what happened while he slept not even 20 feet away. ever since it happened i cant get the thought i should kill myself out of my head. its not something i will ever act on but i cant get it out of my head. who would even care, yaknow? its almost like its my fault all these things keep happening because im not listening to my gut. i shouldnt have smoked with him that night, i shouldnt have let him do what he did. i still feel the bite marks. the bruises. i cant get the feeling out of my head. i cant sleep in my own bed, im so fucking scared to go home and sleep in that bed. i dont think i can bring myself to do it. fuck. this sucks. im probably gonna buy more blades when i go home and have access to my car. im so tired of this beat up thing barely cutting my skin, i need more, i need to feel more. its so bad its sososo bad. ill be fine i just dont know what more i can do to help myself. going home will help but being in that room where it might still smell like him makes me wanna claw my eyes out haha.

made it to may

3 may 2024 23:59

these past few months gave genuinly been really rough. im holding on for dear life at this point its actually insane. im glad ive made it almost half way through the year. 2024 feels like it just started, i kind of feel like i wasted the first 4 months. I want to make something of may, i want to take my life back and get what i want. im not sure what that will be but it will be something im sure of it. i have done a few things that i thought i never would because of how other people moght thik of me or what might come but my anxieties related to everything has kind of subsided. after what happened with .. redacted (iykyk). im kind of over letting people take advantage of me and my kindness. i will give it to the people i WANT to give it too. not those who give it to me, or demand me of it. im over being used. im over being toyed with. i have kind of decided to just be blunt with what im feeling which is new. im normally one to hid my emotions and not share how i feel but now i will take nothing from anyone who tries to put something agaisnt me. honestly im just tired. maybe i need to be treated gently. cared for, tended too. but i have no one to do that so i must put on a hard shell for the first time in my life. i am an adult. i will take care of myself, and myself alone.

loneliness in college (so far)

28 feb 2024 15:58

the transition to college from highschool is extremely difficult for many. espcially if none of your friends are going to the same college or are even graduating at the same time as you. thats the case for me. a lot of my friends are a year younger, since my school is super small my brother and i fell into the same group of friends. being one of the older ones in the group, i graduated and moved on first. i still keep in touch but theres this bitter lonely feeling knowing they're all still in school together while im in college an hour and a half away alone. i do have some friends but they arent the kind of friends that you kind of stick with. i dont hang out with them, i dont eat with them, i dont plan on living with them next year. maybe this is because of me? i am very introverted and find it hard to meet anyone anywhere or make friends. even in my classes where they are in my face i cant do it. in my writting class we did poster presentations of the essays we are working on. no one came to see my poster first, no one seemed interested in even faking to be.. it was really hard on me. small things like that just really push me over the edge, is it worth it? is getting though this experience worth getting a job where i will just be in the same position with no friends living on my own? probably not. i still push through for some reason. maybe im a coward. college is extremely lonely, :,).

beinging of an end

27 feb 2024 14:30

ive always wanted somewhere to post my thoughts online for anyone who stumbles across. have my thoughts live longer than me, i guess maybe that sentimate is selfish but i want to be selfish. at least right now. for now this wtill just be a list the newest being added to the top. maybe someday i will make seperate pages for each entry but for now this will do. im not sure what else to put in this but that i am looking forward to adding to this regularly, using this as a place to vent or just write about my day.